‘Twas the night before Easter
‘Twas the night before Easter, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The baskets were placed on the table with care,
In hopes that St. Cadbury soon would be there;
The children were up, thinking hard in their beds,
Lists of poss’ble egg hiding spots ran through their heads,
And Mama in her lingerie, and I in my “cap”,
Had just settled our loins for a long springtime “nap” —
When out on the lawn there arose such a hoo-ha,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the doo-da.
Away to the window I flew like a hare,
Tore open the shutters, and tripped o’er a chair.
The blooms springing forth from the new garden’s buds,
Looked disturbingly similar to Jesus Christ’s blood;
When, what ‘cross my wondering eyes should now sweep,
But a giant-sized egg, pulled by marshmallow peeps,
With a cotton-tailed driver, so lively and quick,
I knew over drivers would call him a dick.
More rapid than Peter’s denials they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and call’d them by name:
“Now Sugar! Now Chocolate! Now Yellow Dye Twins!
“On Toothrot! On Trans-Fat! Diabetic Chagrin!
“To the top of the place! And don’t you dare fall!
“Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”
As weak nerds before the wild football team fly,
They vanished from sight, most likely to cry;
Then up on my poor weak roof they crash-landed,
With egg full of candy — and Jesus Christ – stranded:
And then in a twinkling, I heard from the stairs
The prancing and pawing of the giant Christ Hare.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Through the stairwell the Christ Bunny came with a bound:
He was nude but for fur, from his head to his tail,
And his palms were all tarnish’d with blood and with nails;
A bundle of eggs was held in his paws,
And he went ’round and hid them, without any cause:
His eyes — oh how beady! His large ears: how long,
His cheeks were all whiskered, and he was wearing a thong!
His droll little mouth was buck-toothed and silly,
And the beard of his chin was as astoundingly frilly;
The ball on his buttocks twitched this way and that,
As he placed an egg dang’rously under a mat.
He wore a bow tie, and a crown all of thorns,
And his smile was a smile seen only in porn.
He was hyper and twitchy, right paranoid to boot,
And I laugh’d when I saw him – he was quite a hoot.
A one-hundred-and-eighty degree twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had something to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And fill’d baskets with candy; then turn’d with a jerk,
And twitching the whiskers that tickled his nose
And giving a nod, up the stairwell he rose.
He sprung to his egg, to his team gave a wild bark,
And away they all flew, to be read of on Fark.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight —
“Happy Easter to all, and man this thong’s tight!”
Writer. Actor. Director. Chalk artist. YouTuber. Nerdfighter. Traveler. Pansexual. Genderfluid. Millennial. Socialist. Living a complex life beyond those words.
