As this post goes live, I should be in downtown Tacoma, getting awesome shots of things being lit on fire. Because that’s how we roll. Tacoma lights things on fire, I film it happening.
2012 was a year of great change. For me, the Mayan calendar was right: this was the end of an era, and the start of something new. I look forward to 2013 being a year of rebuilding myself, reclaiming parts of myself that I’ve lost and establishing brand new aspects of my life.
Over the last few years, I’ve transformed into someone I don’t like very much, living a life that makes me unhappy. 2012 brought my depression to the worst, lowest place its ever been – lower, even, than 2003, when I intended to end my life. But I have wonderful friends. And I have little things, like a cup of freshly made chocolate pudding suddenly thrust before me by a roommate who could tell when I was trying to hide one of my lowest moments, to give me hope. I have my little sister, who perks up my temporary relocation to Oregon with daily morning hugs. And I have all of you, friends and followers out there on the Internet, who have done such an incredible job of reminding me that my life is awesome, in spite of whatever obstacles are thrown my way.
So I go into 2013 with that sense of hope. I start this year with a fresh sense of determination to reinvent myself. I will take back the parts of myself I liked, but lost. I will distance myself from this person I’ve become, the person I barely recognize from the me I knew not very long ago. I will continue to grow, to evolve, to regenerate into a new man. I’ll take the best and say adieu to everything else.
Doctor Who and X-Men are both turning 50 this year. Meanwhile, I’m celebrating my own anniversary: my 10-year high school reunion is coming up, this summer. More importantly, on June 4th, I will have lived ten years past my intended suicide date. And despite the things that have brought me down lately, they’ve been a damn fun ten years that I’m immensely thankful I didn’t miss.
I’m nowhere near where I hoped to be by now. But I’ve had my adventures. I’ve loved and lost, celebrated and mourned, lived and stared down the headlights of my near death. I’m still here, and I’m excited to see what’s around the corner.
So bring it on, 2013. Bring on the year, bring on the decade, bring on the rest of my life. I’m ready. Show me what you’ve got.
(This blog was originally posted on Tumblr.)